Today, for the first time in many, many months, I held my daughter while she was sleeping. It was so peaceful. I felt very protective, important in that moment. Making sure she was comfortable. Making sure she could get the rest she so needed. Keeping her safe.
I understand that not everyone chooses to be a mom, whether it’s to a child or a fur baby, and I respect that very much. For me, I think part of me always wanted to be a mom, and yet the thought was so scary. Fear of the unknown. I’m an anxious person, if you haven’t noticed yet.
Will I be a good mom? Will I be able to give a child a good life? Will she be happy? Will she be healthy? Will I be able to balance it all? Is now the right time? Is there ever a right time?
I still have many of these questions. Often. Just as others do, I’m sure. And now that Ellie is two, she is so not a baby anymore, and the questions have just increased.
Is she eating enough protein? Is she getting enough activity? How do I get her less interested in my phone? How many times will we listen to the Moana and Trolls soundtracks?
More seriously, how will I be able to protect her when I’m not with her? How will I keep her safe from the negativity of the world?
I don’t have the answers yet, but I try my best to do what I think is right. To show Ellie what is means to be a strong woman. To brush it off when she falls down, but hug her as much as she’d like.
So, for as long as she’ll let me hold her, I will. And savor every moment of this day, snuggling my sweet daughter close.